For the past few weeks I have been struggling spiritually and i was just burning up inside with a lot of regret, pain, and anger, but God stepped in. He broke me down on Sunday, September 27, 2009 during praise during Gloria Chapel and it was just amazing. I was singing and the words just struck me.
The words are as follows:
On the cross. You conquered it all. And now I'm free, to live in Your grace. And it's amazing to know You, God.
I was just silent in my heart and the world seemed to cease at this particular moment and God just took me by my heart and made it pump again. He excited my heart once again to bring Him what I could and He made me realize my reason to live again. It was amazing, to know our God.
Since then I've just been getting to know Him more intimately and He really humbled me that day. I came to my senses and all the blame I've been putting on friends and family was brought to God, and God alone.
I've been reading a book that is required for my Introduction to Spiritual Formation class and it was talking about being broken. If we look to Mark 14:32-42, it shows us the passage of Jesus and three of His disciples (Peter, James, and John) in the garden of Gethsemane. In the garden Jesus told His disciples to sit and to listen and pray as He prays to His Father. Despite the fact that all three of the disciples that were there fell asleep, He prayed continuously. He knew that He was going to be crucified and He had to die on the cross for God's redemptive plan to be fulfilled. He was in agony as He knew His end was near, and a painful and terrifying one at that. He came to God the Father in prayer and poured out all He had. He came to His Father with all the pain and focused everything He had on Him. Then He told God about His problem and His pain that He was going through. He KNEW He would have to die and His time is near. He KNEW that Judas Iscariot was going to betray Him. He KNEW He would be whipped and beat, to show the world what love is. He grieved and He cried out to God. He then heard God speak to Him and the matter was settled, He knew it had to be done for God's greater glory. Jesus then left in peace and in His heart forgave those that were going to crucify Him.
I believe this is what happened to me. God let me come to Him and tell Him all that was on my mind and in my heart. The pain and sin. He listened and let me grieve on Him. He settled it for me. Now I need to forgive and let it go because God forgave Me for everything.
This is brokenness.